Your First Time:
Expectations vs. Reality
BY MEA AKEY
In many cultures, having sex for the first time is a formative experience in a person’s life, often surrounded by myths, taboos and expectations. People learn about sex from their friends, various levels of sex education, and often the internet. However, these varying sources and their disparity of information often lead to confusion and anxiety for someone going into their first sexual experience. Using data collected from the WUSTL student body, let’s unpack the reality behind our assumptions and experiences to shed light on why many of our formative sexual experiences are shaped by our own expectations.
ABOUT THE SURVEY The data displayed in the following article was collected via a simple yes or no survey. Each category – pain, bleeding, difficulty maintaining an erection, orgasming, and enjoyment – included two questions: did the respondent expect to experience this during their first time having sex, and did they actually experience this during sex? Respondents were asked to respond to whichever questions applied to them and also asked to disclose their gender if they felt comfortable doing so. Information about sexuality was not collected. In addition, no definition of “sex” was provided and participants answered based on their own understanding of the term. See our last issue’s article, “Virginity: More Than a Madonna Song” for a deeper exploration of the concepts of sex and virginity. The survey was conducted using a Google form and distributed via Facebook. A total of 117 responses were collected, with 81 of those respondents self-identifying as women, 32 responses self-identifying as men, and 4 responses self-identifying as agender or nonbinary. Given the small response size of the nonbinary category, an overall analysis could not be comfortably determined, but given that these responses represent real people’s experiences, the data was included in the graphs shown below. The results of this survey represent just a small sample of the student body’s experiences, and these responses are by no means all-encompassing of the general population. PAIN DURING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX Engaging in penetrative sex for the first time can be slightly intimidating. One may be excited and ready, but also thinking about that time a friend said that they felt like they were being impaled. As shown in the chart above, the large majority of women at WashU expected to experience pain during their first time having ‘sex’, and although less women experienced this compared to what they expected, a staggering 68.4% still had pain. There may be a tendency for those receiving penetrative sex to be apprehensive before their first time, which causes their bodies to stiffen leading to more discomfort. This problem has a potentially easy remedy. A lot of people don’t emphasize foreplay, which leads to people being insufficiently “warmed up”. If you’re on the receiving end of penetrative sex for the first time, starting on top will give you more control, so you can go at exactly the pace you want and feel prepared for. And when in doubt, use lots of lube. BLEEDING DURING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX In many cultures, when a newly married couple consummate their marriage, the sheets are often inspected for blood as evidence that the bride is a virgin (a loaded concept, but that’s a whole other article). Today, as demonstrated in the chart above, most women expect to bleed during their first time having ‘sex’, although only about a fourth of the women surveyed actually did. Centuries ago, many brides would even sharpen one of their fingernails into a point and cut themselves on the thigh to produce enough blood to convince any concerned relatives, since often little to no blood was actually lost during sex. Vaginal or anal bleeding from sex is mostly indicative of micro abrasions caused by an excessively rough, improperly lubricated sexual experience, not a person’s sexual status. While some vagainas will bleed during or after their first penetrative experience due to the tearing of the hymen, over half will not bleed at all, according to a 1998 study spearheaded by Dr. Sara Patterson-Brown and published in the British Medical Journal. If bleeding is occurring during any sexual encounter, it should never be immediately dismissed as “normal”. More often than not, the bleeding is originating from an issue other than a torn hymen. The taboo surrounding “popping your cherry” or breaking your hymen, is predominantly based on myth and cultural stigma. Hymens more often stretch than tear, not to mention the multitude of activities that can alter your hymen including biking and horseback riding. If bleeding is occurring during any sexual encounter, it should never be immediately dismissed as “normal”. DIFFICULTY ‘STAYING HARD’ DURING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX Caught up in the excitement of having sex for the first time, your equipment may not work like you want it to. While almost all respondents that answered this question didn’t expect to have any issues, over a fourth reported having problems maintaining an erection, which isn’t uncommon. Someone may be worried about enjoying themselves, performing, pleasing their partner, and a whole plethora of other things, which could mean their penis’ mind is elsewhere as well. Still nervous? Make sure to engage in foreplay you truly enjoy, as opposed to something you think you should enjoy. Also, make sure to use a condom that fits comfortably: not too tight, not too loose. Lastly, if a penis isn’t cooperating, don’t blame yourself or your partner, and remember that with experience and communication will come more reliable performance. ORGASMING DURING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX Men and women had staggeringly different beliefs on whether they would climax, with almost all men expecting to orgasm and most women expecting the opposite. In reality, half of respondents identifying as men men didn’t orgasm. In these cases, the same shtick applies as from the section above: nerves, over excitement, and even overstimulation can get the best of a penis, meaning that even if everything feels great, it may not end with a climax. For people with vaginas, the situation is a little trickier. If your partner isn’t experienced at stimulating the vagina or clitoris, your work may be cut out for you. Make sure to openly communicate what you enjoy and what you dislike in order to increase your chances of finding that O. Make sure to openly communicate what you enjoy and what you dislike in order to increase your chances of finding that O. ENJOYING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX In the poll above, every man that responded expected to enjoy their first time having sex, although the frequency of respondents that actually did decreased by a fourth. For women, only two thirds of the respondents expected to enjoy themselves, and less than half actually did. The expectations and realities of nonbinary respondents were even less promising. Why is there a huge discrepancy between gender identities? While women have been told their entire life that no matter who they share it with and how careful they are, their first sexual experience will be painful, men are told that sex is the ultimate sensual experience. Nonbinary respondents in particular may experience stigma due to their gender identity, which can add further anxiety during a first sexual experience. ----- Our expectations leading into our first time can have a huge impact on our actual experiences. Many issues we are told to expect are caused by a lack of proper education surrounding sex (looking at you, hymen myths) and, even simpler, not enough foreplay and lube. Even with good preparation, though, issues can arise, such as difficulty orgasming or maintaining an erection, and things may not go as smoothly as planned. Perhaps if we work to remove pressure and stigma from “first times” people will be more comfortable and subsequently experience more pleasure when they lose their ‘virginity’. |