The Talk
Wash U students tell me how they first learned about sex
BY SOPHIE TEGENU
“They had to have SEX!” a self-satisfied voice shouts from across the classroom. Ew, I think. Why are we talking about this? I was in second grade, and the word “sex” was something I’d only heard connected to other words like “evil” and “don’t.”
“SEX. Your parents had to have S-E-X to make you,” Austin continues to screech, I try to block out his cackling and focus on coloring inside the lines. Still, I can feel my stomach knot. “Yup. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. S-E-X. Sex. SEX.” I drop my colored pencil. Ok, what is going on here? Everything seems to be falling apart around me. If what he is saying is true, my entire life, all 6 years of it, has been a huge fat lie. It can’t be true, right? Everyone says sex is bad, and evil, and that I should never even think about it. And my parents are good, so - duh - this is obviously a lie. When I get home, I hesitantly make my way to my mom’s room. “Mom, I need you to not to lie to me.” She looks confused and promises she will tell the truth. “Did you... did you have sex to have me?” She stares at me in silence. “Where did you hear that? “IS. IT. TRUE?” The next hour is a jumble of apologetic explanations and frustrated tears. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Now, my parents, my shining emblems of truth and goodness, are liars and sex-ers and my world is unmoored. Three years later, I am once again directly confronted with the topic of sex: the heavily-anticipated 5th grade sex-ed class is finally here. By now, fear and confusion have turned into curiosity, and a gazillion questions. At last! Someone will explain what this thing is that everyone talks so much about. Except as the class goes on, I realize that nobody is really giving any answers. What even is sex? How does it happen? I’m shown some diagrams and handed a pad, but that’s about it. I leave 5th grade with as many questions as I had coming in. Middle school is based on an abstinence-only curriculum. High school is better, with a 9th grade health teacher accidentally spilling lube on the floor and an 11th grade class dedicated to STIs. By now, my questions have been answered, and I am even a resource for my peers. However, given what I know today, I cannot get over the unhealthy messages and ineffectiveness of my elementary and middle school education. It turns out I was not the only one with a shaky foundation in sex-ed. American sex education programs are not remotely comprehensive. Only 24 states plus D.C. require that public schools teach sex-ed, 33 require HIV/AIDs education, and just 21 require both. What’s worse, only 20 require that the education is “medically, factually, or technically accurate.” Our country’s shame around sexuality bleeds into the classroom and results in shaky and often blatantly inaccurate information. This can result in unsafe actions and unhealthy attitudes surrounding sex, especially because – as my experiences show – misinformation and stigma are just as prevalent outside the classroom. Only 24 states plus D.C. require that public schools teach sex-ed, 33 require HIV/AIDs education, and just 21 require both. I polled 15 Wash. U. students about their “first time” learning about sex. As it turns out, misinformation, shame, and confusion surrounding this topic are not uncommon. Below are a few of the responses: (quotes edited for length and clarity) STUDENT 1 “I learned about blowjobs from a friend in 4th grade. Lizzie, at recess, told me that her sister told her about this thing that people do. And it was really gross and I was shocked and horrified. I thought it was fake because she lied sometimes!! In the 4th grade again, my sister and her friend sat me and down and were like “Here are things you need to know about boys.” They were in 6th grade. I don’t think I really understood it for a while. Yeah, I mostly learned about sex from my sister and her crazy friend Erin.” STUDENT 2 “I kinda just figured it out over time through osmosis. No one ever explicitly told me, ever. I just figured it out after a long while. We didn’t have a class about it until 9th grade. We watched 16 and Pregnant and Family Guy in health class. Yeah, and I learned a lot about sex from T.V.” STUDENT 3 “I don’t know how I first learned about sex. I know I had a class in 5th grade about it. But I didn’t pay attention at all. I would say most of what I learned is through the media.” STUDENT 4 “I think my family friends were watching that YouTube video 2 girls 1 cup, and it told me about sex. I was at an Asian party.” STUDENT 5 “In 2nd grade, these boys at my school were really gross. These girls were talking to me and the boys came up to us and were like “You know your parents had to have sex to have a baby.” None of the students interviewed found that their school gave them an effective sex-education program. Most American school systems simply do not encourage a healthy relationship with sex. We are taught to operate in silence, spelling out the letters of the word rather than saying it. Negative and repressive attitudes about sex carry wide ranging consequences that extend far past middle-school confusion over anatomy, bleeding into relationships and behavioral norms. When we talk to young people about sex, we need to talk about all aspects of sex and sexuality. The discomfort and hesitation we grew up with propagate a culture of silence and shame. conversations around consent and pleasure are difficult to spearhead in a society that barely wants to talk about sex, but if we can start this conversation at a young age, we can work to build a healthy foundation rather than just struggle to uproot longstanding stigma. So, America, if we’re going to foster a sexually safe and healthy country, it’s time for a new national conversation. Let’s have a talk. |