Good in Bed, an Overanalysis
BY MEA AKEY
Response Collection:
The responses referenced in the following article was collected via a 5 question Google Forms survey. For the purposes of the survey, I defined "good in bed" as "good at sexual intercourse, either oral, vaginal, and/or anal", and this definition was included in the survey. The questions were as follows: Do you consider yourself good in bed? If so, why do you consider yourself good in bed? What is your ideal sexual experience? During sexual intercourse, what specifically do you think you do well? During sexual intercourse, what specifically do you think you can improve on? Respondents were also asked to disclose their gender and sexuality to contextualize the responses given. A total of 20 responses were collected, with 12 of those respondents self-identifying as men, 7 respondents self-identifying as women, and 1 respondent self-identifying as genderqueer. Of the 20 responses given, 15 respondents said they considered themselves good in bed, 2 respondents said they did not consider themselves good in bed, and 3 respondents said they considered themselves neither good nor bad in bed. The results of this survey represent only a small sample of the student body’s experiences, and these responses are by no means all-encompassing of the general population. On top of collecting survey responses, I selected 3 respondents with unique perspectives on sexual experience to interview further about their responses. These respondents elected to remain anonymous to protect the privacy of themselves and their partners and will be referred to via self-selected pseudonyms. The first is Sarah, a bisexual woman interested by the politics of sexual power and agency over her own pleasure. Second is Noah, a heterosexual man who doesn’t consider himself explicitly good in bed but believes experimenting is the key to a fun time. Lastly is Jason, a heterosexual man who emphasizes the value of a sensual experience as a whole. What makes a person consider themselves good in bed? Many said that they considered themselves good in bed because their partner enjoys themselves and is fulfilled by the experience. In fact, almost every respondent referenced their partners’ feedback on the experience or their own ability to make their partner orgasm consistently. The usage of a partner’s climax as a reference point for your own abilities in bed may not be the best place to start, however, primarily because holding orgasm as the endgame for sex can negate the enjoyment and pleasure that comes from the total experience. Responses that didn’t reference their partner’s orgasm highlighted that they focused primarily on their partner’s pleasure and total experience and made sure they did so enthusiastically. When asked about their ideal sexual experience, respondents claimed that multiple rounds of sex with someone they were comfortable with or had an emotional connection to would be their preference. In his interview, Noah agreed that how comfortable you feel with your partner can make or break an experience. A truly memorable experience would be when you and your partner “click” in bed, which is a big part of the reason why couples often have much better sexual relationships than those outside of a relationship. Sarah, however, emphasized the importance of communication to achieve this comfort level in a sexual encounter. Communication in bed, as she defined it, is asking for what you want to occur while also hearing and responding to what your partner asks of you, but don’t forget that retaining your personality in bed is just as important as more functional communication. Lastly, Jason stressed that the most important part of making any sexual experience a good one was to be enthusiastic about foreplay and oral sex. His past sexual experiences have led him to have much more appreciation for non-penetrative sex, and he’s found that being generous and excited about going down on someone makes it more pleasurable for both parties by playing up the eroticism. When it comes to what specifically they do well, respondents highlighted their willingness to experiment, playing up the eroticism of the experience, and overall experience in bed. Noah claims that being more open to experimenting can lead to learning something new about yourself and your preferences, and he says he feels most like himself when he’s able to act on carnal desires that are deemed taboo within the typical sociosexual narrative. On the other hand, as someone who’s very interested in cinematography and the portrayal of sex in media, Jason finds ways to actualize the portrayal of sex as being smooth and seamless. He believes that finding the beauty in the passion and presentation of sex heightens the overall sensuality between partners. Think flowing, passionate moves, as opposed to jerky, aggressive ones. As for getting experience in the sheets, Sarah considers herself unique in that she has never seen porn, and her technique has been developed solely through her own personal experience. Her most valuable skill – besides being quite flexible – would be taking agency over her own pleasure by adding her own twist. For example, when riding on top of a male partner, they often try to have her go up-and-down, a more performative movement that limits actual pleasurable sensations, but she prefers a wavier movement, grinding into him with her hips to stimulate her partner and her clitoris simultaneously. Even with those who are self-proclaimed “good in bed”, there is always room for improvement. Most respondents said that they would like to be better at giving oral sex to their partner as well as developing the stamina to last longer and go multiple rounds. Sarah likes to keep track of their preferences and skills in bed by recounting her experiences in a journal. She makes sure to highlight things she considers herself good at, things she is would like to do better, things partners did that she enjoyed, and things partners did that she did not enjoy. This allows her to go back and reference more pleasurable experiences in the past to make future encounters even better. Noah and Jason both want to work on building confidence and getting out of their own head. Jason often gets too focused on what their partner may be thinking or feeling that he may forget to be a little selfish and take some agency in his own pleasure. Noah says that he often gets in his head about anxieties and pressures relating to sleeping with someone new, particularly because for many men in today’s culture, their self-worth is tied to their performance in bed. If you’re here solely to learn how to better your sexual expertise, our three interviewees were asked for their top tips to make any experience more enjoyable. Sarah highly recommends focusing on nontraditional erogenous zones during foreplay and, for those who enjoy clitoral stimulation, breaking out a vibrator during sex. She suggests using a vibrator while on all fours and being penetrated from behind for maximum pleasure. Noah would encourage you to explore different things, such as using restraints and ice to build sexual tension during foreplay. He also highly suggests trying orgasm denial, in which you give your partner oral sex until they’re at the brink of orgasm, then stop. Repeat this until your partner is practically begging you to let them finish. Finally, Jason just wants everyone to give more enthusiastic head. If you’re enjoying it, the recipient will enjoy it even more, too. Plus, seeming disinterested while giving oral sex is a huge turn off for many. Fortunately for many, definitions of what we look for in a sexual partner are changing. The narrative surrounding sexual prowess has long been associated with the number of sexual partners a person has had or how effectively and quickly a person can make their partner orgasm, but themes of earnest pleasure-giving and value of the entire sexual experience appear to be becoming more prevalent. While these generalizations cannot be applied to the whole of WashU (much less any larger population), I’d like to think that the trend of destigmatization of sexual pleasure has played a significant role in changing how we view “good” sexual experiences. The most heartening takeaway from this survey is that you don’t have to be a freak in the sheets to give your partner a good sexual experience! While getting extra practice in to refine specific skills definitely doesn’t hurt, most people would prefer to share their bed with someone who enthusiastically pursues their partner’s pleasure over someone who has their moves in bed down to a science anyway. |