Friendship and Fluidity
BY LILY GREENWALD
According to a 2017 survey, 4.5% of adult Americans identify as LGBTQIA+. In my group of friends, however, it’s currently, 33%. This statistic explains our group chat name: Anxious Lesbians. However, not everyone necessarily identifies as a “lesbian,” a few identify as various degrees of “not straight.” I mention these friends in the article, using pseudonyms, for they exemplify how fluid sexuality can be, even within one group of friends. They help me recognize my privilege of being straight, and continuously teach me things one can only learn from personal experience.
My best friend Sarah was never enthusiastic about hooking up with boys, no matter the amount. She always had something to complain about, but who doesn’t? Boys can be stupid. Then two years ago, she told me that she had hooked up with a girl and was gay. I would not say I was shocked, but it was still unexpected. I’ve learned that as a product of being a heterosexual woman in a heteronormative society, I lack a “gaydar.” Suddenly, my friend was different. Except, she wasn’t. She was still the same person with the same personality and, even, the same sexual orientation, just now I knew. So, I guess I was the one who was different. I tried to give advice, despite my lack of experience nor knowledge of being in her position. From here, I started learning how to be an ally. Ever since she came out to me, I have consistently supported her, whether it was when she decided to seriously date a girl or when she wanted to explore the option of dating guys. I put on a tough face. I wanted to discuss it with other people, make sense of it all with someone outside of the situation, but it wasn’t my place to tell our friends— that remains Sarah’s place. And while I was not yet close enough with anyone at college to talk about it, I recognize the importance of being, and that I still can be, a friend and ally to Sarah even when I need time to process on my own. Coincidentally, I have another friend named Sarah, and that Sarah also identifies as “not straight.” First, let me clarify: this Sarah is Sarah K., not previously mentioned Sarah W. Unlike Sarah W., when she came out to me, I was more surprised than when I saw Steve Carell return for the series finale of The Office. Sarah K. not only hooked-up as much as Sarah W., but on the surface always seemed to have positive experiences. She appeared to be interested and attracted to the men, and she was as immersed in the expectations of talking about guys as I was. Since she has come out, and currently is more attracted to girls, she has told me that at times she misses hook-up culture—excluding its limits. The night she came out, she just said “I’m gay.” It was so abrupt and out of the blue I thought she was lying. She did the same thing when she said her family was moving to Chicago. I didn’t initially believe her then either. Both times, I was so caught off guard that it seemed as though it was all meant to be a joke. Both times, however, that wasn’t the case. While I still typically assume people are straight, Sarah K. made me hope that in the future I will not be as surprised. As mentioned before, Sarah K. was always comfortable talking about her sexual endeavors. She came out before ever being with a girl, but after she did start having sex with the girl that would soon become her first girlfriend, I began asking some questions. One major question—that was sort of irrelevant to Sarah W. because she had already had sex with a guy— was if Sarah K. considered herself no longer a virgin after having sex with a girl. She was a little wishy washy on the answer, making me reevaluate the societally imposed definitions of virginity. My next friend who came out explicitly was Emily. Emily came out as “not straight,” a title encompassing the fluidity of sexuality that also gives me the vocabulary to explain my other friends featured in this article. Emily has had severe anxiety since elementary school, and only had a couple sexual experiences prior to coming out. Now, she explores her sexuality— going out and acting on her desires, something I would have never expected her to do in high school. I feel quite proud of her. She’s grown. Rachel, another one of my friends, proves that sexuality is truly a spectrum. She is a very hetero-romantic woman, and she has said she can only see herself ever falling in love with a man. However, she has recently had multiple threesomes with a heterosexual college couple. Her sexual exploration takes a level of confidence as she navigates fluidity. My friends taught me that college can be a time where you can give yourself a chance to grow. In high school, you are surrounded by people who you have grown up with your whole life. They may see you in a certain light, and that may make it challenging to alter their expectations of you. In college, widely, no one has any preset notions about you, about who you are, and you are given the freedom to explore aspects of your identity. My friends have taught me more than I would ever otherwise know about different sexualities. Many times, I find myself answering questions that my straight friends from college have about being “not straight.” I feel extremely grateful for the friends I have. I thank them for they’ve helped me grow as I learn to not just be less ignorant, but also, an ally. |